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Can we have a holy relationship with someone who doesn't even know about it?

  • By Paul West
  • In Ego, Love, Relationships
  • 3276 Words
  • 16 minutes 22 seconds
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Can we have a holy relationship with someone who doesn't even know about it?

Jackie asked:

"This question keeps coming back to me regarding a Holy Relationship. Is it possible to have a Holy Relationship with someone who is totally unaware that there is such a thing as a Holy Relationship? If I am seeing the innocence in myself and the other it is a holy Relationship right?"

Holiness is a whole relationship with God and with your Holy Self, or the One Self, which is shared by everyone. It transcends the ego. It exists in the thought system of the Holy Spirit but not within the ego's thought system. It is a relationship with your "self" as much as with "other", but in it, there really is no "other" because there is unity and oneness. Wholeness.

A holy relationship therefore is a relationship with the "whole", ie with the entire Sonship, and cannot be an exclusive relationship. It is also a perspective of recognizing the True Identity of yourself and therefore everyone else, which is a shared identity. So as you say, you are seeing innocence in everyone else and recognizing that innocence as your own, and therefore there is a holy relationship.

The term relationship is a little bit misleading here because usually it implies separate people. However, your relationship with God doesn't imply separation at all. There are many misinterpretations of the meaning of this. If a person is honest with themselves, is their relationship REALLY holy with that person? Can you really describe it as holiness, and not just very special?

The ego has a goal of substituting holiness with specialness and it believes that specialness can become so heightened and ... special .... that you can practically use the word "holy" to describe it. And many people do that. They see their relationship as very special and high and exalted and on a pedestal, and want to think of it as a holy relationship. This is a gross distortion of its meaning, but the problem stems mainly from the sheer degree of denial that's in the relationship.

In the special relationship, all aspects of the relationship being not special are shoved into unconsciousness, becoming special hate. The specialness is the 'thing' which the parties are trying to maintain and sustain for as long as possible. They want to see the other person as their savior and to find salvation in them or coming from them.

The person will have been placed on a pedestal as the exclusive special "one" who stands out from all the rest as being holier and more desirable. There is a shitload of denial in that and that denial can be so strong, with such a belief in the specialness being "holy", that people very easily WANT to believe that their relationship is a holy relationship.

The same thing is true of the "holy instant" which is thrown around like people are doing it all the time, when in fact they're barely even close to it. Is it REALLY a HOLY instant? As in, you are in perfect holiness and enlightenment and completely 100% awake right now? Almost no-one has genuinely experienced a holy instant, and as the Course says, "I would be still an instant and GO HOME". If you go home, you ain't coming back for another round of ego and 15 more instants of holiness interspersed between them! Once you're in holiness, you're done!

People in a special relationship do not want to admit to the ways in which they are relating on special terms or in order to get something from each other. They don't want to admit to their dependency and attachment to each other as being based in the ego. They also believe that to question this would destroy the relationship. So instead, they'll see this idea of holy relationships in A Course in Miracles and desire it and put it up on a pedestal as the best thing to seek to achieve, and then wouldn't DARE to question that their existing relationship is unholy, thus slapping the label on it like it must be holy.

It can be extremely upsetting and painful and appear to be destructive, to bring the specialness of the relationship into question. What was thought to be of such value and importance will seem to be being attacked by the truth and destroyed. There will be a perception of great loss as though the one person that you wanted to be in love with in the whole world is becoming your enemy.

You're actually seeing the false value in the specialness and it's being brought into question by the goal of holiness, and before you can recognize the specialness as false you'll interpret it as though the special relationship is falling apart. This presents a major challenge, a question of whether the two people can remain together, and whether they can learn to relate to each other on a level of genuine unconditional love and detachment and freedom, honestly, rather than the relationship being based on being special to each other.

The Holy Relationship seems to call for the special relationship to come to an end, and to the ego this is going to seem like the worst thing in the world. But it is actually a healing and a transition into a way of relating to not just this one person, but also to yourself, and also to all people, and to God, on terms which are much more deeply loving and unconditional. If the people involved cannot find a way to love each other in spite of special hate coming to the surface to be looked at, and in spite of the special relationship crumbling into nothing, then they might fail to achieve a holy relationship and end up separating.

So it can be a really intense challenge to let your specialness be dismantled, to bring into question why you are not unconditionally loving enough, to look at why you cannot love the person when they are being hateful, and to admit to the ways that you were relating based on illusions. But as you go through that with Holy Spirit and with a willingness to forgive, there is a way through to the other side to a relationship that is truly based on holiness and spirituality, which is way different to what it was based on before.

Special relationships can be ways for people to come together in the first place and it can all seem like the most beautiful love in the world, but it is not on par with a holy relationship and the foundation of it is very different. Generally, people don't come together because they love each other, they come together because they THINK they love each other, but actually come together in order to LEARN how to love each other. That is hard to admit to.

Transitioning from that specialness and having things happen to the specialness to seem to destroy it, leading you to question the specialness and to learn that specialness is not love, is difficult but ultimately a worthwhile spiritual experience. It can result in a holy relationship, which then is a way of relating to ALL on terms of unconditional love, if the lessons are learned.

Now, holiness means wholeness, and this isn't a matter of a little bit of holiness, nor is it a matter of very highly refined specialness, which is an illusion of holiness. Holiness is a very advanced spiritual state of being, aligned completely and fully with Holy Spirit in the right mind. Holiness is the complete absence of all ego. You can't really claim to be holy like it's just some badge of honor to wear. That's not an experience of holiness, it's an intellectualization of it.

The ego will love to take the idea of a very advanced special relationship and refer to it as holy, not wanting to admit that the relationship is filled with denial and flaws and manipulation. No-one will want to look at their romantic love interest and dare to question whether it is real love, because that will threaten the whole foundation of them being together. So the ego will say, well, our relationship is really, really special, so it's a holy relationship, right? It will even be upsetting to both parties to even consider that the relationship might not be holy.

This fiction of holiness will be used to justify that there is apparently absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship. This just means that the people involved are in such denial of special hate and have a lot of unconscious stuff going on, and conditional love is not holy love. This has led many to perceive that you can be having holy relationships on a whim with all the people already in your life, just because you decide to believe you are being holy or because you want to.

I think we have to be a lot more honest with ourselves than that. Almost all relationships on the planet are not holy, and most are far from holy. Even the ones which seem to be like the most loving relationships on the ego's terms. You can't be having a holy relationship if you are not holy, which means WHOLE, not almost whole.

Now, forgiveness is very important in this because forgiveness happens in a mind which is completely whole which is capable of overlooking and not believing any form of separation. A holy mind is a mind which has fully accepted the Atonement once and for all. This is why Holy Spirit is called the HOLY Spirit, because He is 100% free of ego and 100% awake to God's presence. That's a pretty high-level state to be in and honestly not something that hardly anyone is experiencing.

However, once in that state of mind, you are in a holy relationship with your Holy Self, with God, and with ALL of the Sonship equally. It's a state of complete unconditional, non-exclusive love. It is not special love. It is not an exclusive relationship with one special person.

This is often grossly misunderstood and applied to special relationships as though your special spouse or loved one is your holy relationship. If you're not having a relationship of wholeness and oneness and unconditionality and openness and equality and peace and shared identity with EVERYONE simultaneously, it is NOT a holy relationship. It can be horrifying to people to suggest their relationship is not holy, there is just a ton of denial around this because of the ego's exalted idea of specialness which it values highly.

But in that forgiving mind, seeing with Holiness, you are able to overlook the illusions in others and see and recognize that YOU are in others, because you share One Mind and One Identity as the Son of God. You see Christ in them, beyond their call for love, beyond their ego, and in spite of any illusions they believe in, because you have come to have a holy relationship with yourself as Christ. The holy self is omnipresent.

This means that you can be awake while others are sleeping, and therefore you can be experiencing holiness (true perception) while others have a faulty perception. Your relationship is with the holiness that's in them beyond their own delusions. The holy relationship is not really relating to or with the ego in the person, it transcends it. It doesn't matter if that person is aware of holiness or not, to you, you are experiencing holiness. So this means that yes, it only takes one person to have a holy relationship.

If you wake up to true perception and experience holiness, that doesn't necessarily mean everyone else has woken up as well. Your ability to wake up and your freedom to do so does not DEPEND on anyone else. There is nothing stopping you from doing it. If your holiness depended on someone else being in the same mind as you, you would be stuck and nobody would be able to progress any further than the lowest common denominator.

Jesus is holy right now. Does Jesus's holiness depend on everyone else being enlightened? Apparently not. He woke up to our shared holiness, the truth of all of us, in spite of other people remaining asleep. If He was the first to awaken, then obviously there was no "other" to wake up "with" or to be holy with. He has a holy relationship because He relates to His Whole Self (Christ, the whole Sonship) as holy, and to God in the same way.

It also does not take two people, or three people, or 100 people, in order to have a holy relationship. Holy relationship and the relationship between multiple individuals, are not even compatible. Holiness is on the level of the thought system of the Holy Spirit which is completely outside of the ego's thought system and world. In it there is no perception of others as not yourself. And there is no exclusivity. If it takes 2 people to be holy, then this means it takes two egos to be holy, so if it takes 2 egos, why doesn't it take 3 egos? There is nothing special about this.

Having 2 people be required for holiness suggests that there is something I am not going to be able to experience unless the other person is also holy, suggesting that they are going to "do holiness to me". That I am going to receive holiness only IF the other person is going to be giving it to me. Or that I am only going to be able to experience holiness IF the other person is completely holy. The other person IS holy beyond their illusions of a self, and you WILL be able to see this, relate to it, and experience it, even if they themselves are not experiencing it, if YOU are choosing to be holy.

Also forgiveness radiates love to such an extent that it does not see errors or believe in illusions or cause separation. That love experiences love because it is sharing love. This is the purpose of extension, to extend ie give in order to have ("to have all, give all to all"). To have holiness, give holiness to all. You can't give holiness conditionally or based on what other people are doing. You give it in spite of that, and in order for there to be ONLY holiness. The rest is an illusion of a self that you cannot have a relationship with anyone.

Ego selves are separate selves, an idea of "no relationship", so it's not possible for a "no relationship" to be a real/holy relationship. The ego identity in others is an attempt to stop you from having a relationship with that person. It's an obstacle to peace, attempting to come between you and them, thus you and yourself.

But if you are holy you will not buy it, and will disregard it as false, and look past it to the holiness that is obvious - the face of Christ, which will be obvious in your awareness regardless of whether that other person is recognizing their holiness or not. There will be no "lack of holiness" in your own experience, if you are holy, and it will not be diminished by anyone else's "lack of holiness" either, because that lack is not real.

When one person is being holy and IF they are in a so-called relationship with another "separate person", and that other person is being holy, then you will experience holiness between you and will join minds. But if you are being truly holy and the other person is not, there is still nothing preventing you from relating TO them as holy, relating to their holy self, because you are seeing their holy self as their real self and are not even relating TO their ego any more.

Holy Spirit sees that there is no real ego. It does not exist. He is not therefore capable of having a relationship WITH something that does not exist. He relates to us at His level, seeing our Holy Self (face of Christ), and never looks away from that. He doesn't stop looking at our Holy Self to shift His gaze to our ego self and then believe He's having a relationship with that ego self. That would be insane. He can speak to us, taking OUR belief in our ego self into account, so that it seems to make sense at our level, but He doesn't enter into the false empathy of trying to relate with the ego directly.

I notice also that a lot of people say you should try to see the Christ in others. Well, you're not going to be able to see Christ in others if you can't see it in yourself. There's really no difference between efforting to expose awareness of Christ in another separate self, than efforting to expose it within your own separate self.

You will also not be able to see God in another unless God is in your mind FIRST. It doesn't work the other way around. Speaking from experience, when God is in YOUR mind, you will see God everywhere, but if your own mind's awareness of God diminishes, you will stop seeing it anywhere. You'll think then that God WAS outside of you in others and that now you can't see it, and will attempt to get it back by trying to see it "out there" or find it outside of you, but it will never show up because it was being extended THROUGH you. As projection makes perception, so extending God produces an awareness of God's presence.

Just as the ego has a spiritual path all planned out for you to follow and fail to find God, so it also has a plan for you to seek for holiness by finding it in specialness, and that too will not work. The entire belief in specialness, per se, has to be dismantled and recognized as false in order to discover what holiness really is. And that means undoing all of the ways that you are trying to find the truth outside of yourself.

All of the substitutes for God's love have to be brought into question, and pretty much anyone in a special relationship will not want to do that. They'll see this idea of holy relationships as a threat to their special relationship, and will then attempt to rationalize that the relationship must be holy already, to protect it. The ego doesn't want to go through the falling of its idols and the ending of its quest to find completion in an empty world. It doesn't want to admit that relationships of special value are not really valuable at all.

There can be things that we go through which are hard lessons, on the surface, such as a child of leaves and doesn't want to communicate anymore, or a spouse who seems to turn against you, or some terrible thing which happens to a loved one which seems to destroy the dream of a perfect undefiled life together... but these things actually can be used to bring the specialness into question rather than to keep it.

They will seem to be attacking it and this will seem to be completely unwanted, but in the big picture, these things have come to save you from specialness, to remind you of a deeper unconditional love, and to give you an opportunity to truly discover how to relate on grounds of real holiness with all of your brothers and sisters.

Jesus and Holy Spirit have a holy relationship with you, even if you do not as yet see yourself as Holy, and are therefore in a special relationship with them. This too must be brought into question and let go. Jesus is not special. You are equals. And only in equality can you share genuine love.

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